The True Story of the Gender Pay Gap

The Patriarchy is Totally Slacking off

“Does that mean women are receiving lower pay for equal work? That is possibly the case in certain places, but by and large, it’s not that, it’s something else.”

-Claudia Goldin, Harvard economist

But what’s driving these numbers is not what most people think.

A disturbing thing happened last week at my local meeting of the National Patriarchy Society. As you are undoubtedly aware, straight, middle-aged white men gather in small NPS groups on the second Tuesday of every month to celebrate our position at the top of the social hierarchy and review strategies to further restrict economic opportunities for women and minorities.

The meetings are usually a lot of fun and last week’s gathering was due to be a humdinger because it was Equal Pay Day (EPD), the annual commemoration of the Patriarchy’s success in limiting women’s earnings to no more than 80% of what a man makes for the same work.

As is our tradition, we huddled in front of the network TV morning shows, ready to savor them discussing another year of highly effective discrimination. Then the chairman of our Gender Pay Disparity Proliferation committee, Nick Murphy, arrived. He usually brings donuts on EPD but today he looked utterly defeated.